I saw her first time , first time in my entire life. The manliness inside me persisted on threatening me that I should not be weak, I could not be weak . But, I shirked for the reason I was not knowing.
She was almost poised to her journey to the destination from where no one ever returned. Until today, I didn't give much damn on her whereabouts . But, today I wanted to stop her , I did not want to let her go in first instance and if it was mandatory, I wanted to join her .
I cried. I regretted - perhaps it was first and last chance of doing so . She was dying.
I knew - she hated me, I hated me. We both hated me. And, I started liking her.
I wanted to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep.
For no reason. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage . I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was eternally fascinating. So I moved back to my chair and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.
This beautiful unknown lady lying unconsciously on the emergency ward no.13 of the city hospital was none, but my wife - my unfortunate wife - Anu.
I remembered the night . I was obsessively drunk in the party . The reason I still don't remember , but I had beaten Anu ruthlessly and the incident didn't differ any other days of our conjugal life ( to say) . But, this time she faltered. There was blood on mat, on my shirt and on her body. The provenance were her head & her nose. I did not feel anything. The boozer inside me did not feel anything. The new blood continued shrouding over the darken clots.
This was not the first instance when she was hospitalized. She had faced this agony or maybe different when she was to deliver her dead baby. I was indulged matter-of-factually.
She withstood then. She should withstand now too. One thing always confused me, how could she be such a brave to face the aftermaths and an infinitely tolerant when I beat her routinely .
Ours was a love marriage . The love ebbed down and the marriage was strangulating . Not that I was not knowing that I had undesirably changed , not that I had eclipsed all the old memories of our unions, but I had followed the path that could never converge to any such 'weak' relations of marriage.
'Strong always rules over the weak to survive' I had reminded this Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory zillions of time before too.
In order to color my dreams , I needed hefty amounts and a common man from a middle class can't afford even to dream for that with all nonsense ethics and bourgeois principles of honesty. Money was second oxygen to me then. I wondered that once I will get rainbow by howsoever means - fair or foul , everything will be alright.
I would erase every sliver of my this part of life by the money I would garner. But, perhaps I had forgotten that sometimes money is a mirage following which you reach to such a world of crime , where there is no exit board.
I kept marching to the path of money with all possible detours beginning from black-marketing to smuggling to robbery to contract killing. I was untamed . I was invincible. I had money, something that could bring me everything - Gold, Glory,God!
I was Mr Sex . Everyone wanted to have me but in private. Such is the glory of short-cut money after-all !
I wanted more and more to earn for never-coming future of ours- I and Anu. In my gory journey of robbery and murder, I could never realize that I was ostracized miles away from the beautiful future and Anu.
'Time to be good' - and 'this is the last' always pulled me end to end.
However, The orgasm seemed never 'lasting' to me.
I was in the society now.
In fact, I was the society now.
Waving hands with 'V' and elegantly smiling lips became my new adaptation . Yes, I was an MLA now .
'This is Mr X and Mr X, this is everyone!' - such etiquette of new introductions became pudding in my everyday dinner .
Amid all these, I never bothered to know how Anu was. And, perhaps she too didn't think for me.
One thing was sure. If I knew her well, She would loath me more than anything else in the world, in case she would know my all sordid tasks. And, She knew !
The one common mistake everyone does - the mistake of judging the time. I too did.
I was caught in a scam and eventually in many scams . The old files were opened. The same newspaper wrote about me, but this time to ruin me.
In all my magical days, Anu was living in my mansion only - a home for me and a concrete den for her perhaps. She did not utter a word . I did not hear or perhaps I made her silent whenever she tried , during my initial days of gory journey - I don't remember though. To prove that I was building a better world all for her only, I raped Anu all those years .
This frequency of Anu's identification as an object and her rape increased seamlessly once I was caught. It continued. I was lost. I was nothing . I needed her as an object to express my frustration .
I was weak. And, Where else could I get someone weaker than me?
She cried. No one listened.
****
Why was this happening today in this hospital? Why to me? Did I still love her? Maybe .
Perhaps I had nothing in this world to do now. What an irony this was? Despite that I loved her most in my life, I could feel the warmth for her in last.
I had butchered so many people in my life , I had played blood bath many a times before, but today I was feeling dizzy on seeing her blood.
I was not in the position to pray. And, Why would the god listen to me?
But, I did again and again - to the almighty - not to take Anu away from me. I would have never done this for me.
I dreamed . I was hers. She was mine. My body was her chariot, and she drove it into the sun. Her body was my river, and I became the sea. And the wailing moan that drove our lips together, at the end, was the world of hope and sorrow .
Not all prayers are accepted.
‘I love you, Anu, I whisphered I’ve loved you for as long as there’s been love in the world. I love
your voice. I love your face. I love your hands. I love everything you do, and I love the way you do everything. I just love you. I just love you with all my heart."
She was going. I could not read her face. I wish I could even if it had hatred for me.
I did not say: Please don't go. You are my life.
I did not say: Though I did wrong, I tried doing everything just for you
I did not say: Remember the day when I saw you first time.
I did not say: I am sorry Anu.
I crumbled.
********
She was almost poised to her journey to the destination from where no one ever returned. Until today, I didn't give much damn on her whereabouts . But, today I wanted to stop her , I did not want to let her go in first instance and if it was mandatory, I wanted to join her .
I cried. I regretted - perhaps it was first and last chance of doing so . She was dying.
I knew - she hated me, I hated me. We both hated me. And, I started liking her.
I wanted to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep.
For no reason. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage . I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was eternally fascinating. So I moved back to my chair and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.
This beautiful unknown lady lying unconsciously on the emergency ward no.13 of the city hospital was none, but my wife - my unfortunate wife - Anu.
I remembered the night . I was obsessively drunk in the party . The reason I still don't remember , but I had beaten Anu ruthlessly and the incident didn't differ any other days of our conjugal life ( to say) . But, this time she faltered. There was blood on mat, on my shirt and on her body. The provenance were her head & her nose. I did not feel anything. The boozer inside me did not feel anything. The new blood continued shrouding over the darken clots.
This was not the first instance when she was hospitalized. She had faced this agony or maybe different when she was to deliver her dead baby. I was indulged matter-of-factually.
She withstood then. She should withstand now too. One thing always confused me, how could she be such a brave to face the aftermaths and an infinitely tolerant when I beat her routinely .
Ours was a love marriage . The love ebbed down and the marriage was strangulating . Not that I was not knowing that I had undesirably changed , not that I had eclipsed all the old memories of our unions, but I had followed the path that could never converge to any such 'weak' relations of marriage.
'Strong always rules over the weak to survive' I had reminded this Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory zillions of time before too.
In order to color my dreams , I needed hefty amounts and a common man from a middle class can't afford even to dream for that with all nonsense ethics and bourgeois principles of honesty. Money was second oxygen to me then. I wondered that once I will get rainbow by howsoever means - fair or foul , everything will be alright.
I would erase every sliver of my this part of life by the money I would garner. But, perhaps I had forgotten that sometimes money is a mirage following which you reach to such a world of crime , where there is no exit board.
I kept marching to the path of money with all possible detours beginning from black-marketing to smuggling to robbery to contract killing. I was untamed . I was invincible. I had money, something that could bring me everything - Gold, Glory,God!
I was Mr Sex . Everyone wanted to have me but in private. Such is the glory of short-cut money after-all !
I wanted more and more to earn for never-coming future of ours- I and Anu. In my gory journey of robbery and murder, I could never realize that I was ostracized miles away from the beautiful future and Anu.
'Time to be good' - and 'this is the last' always pulled me end to end.
However, The orgasm seemed never 'lasting' to me.
I was in the society now.
In fact, I was the society now.
Waving hands with 'V' and elegantly smiling lips became my new adaptation . Yes, I was an MLA now .
'This is Mr X and Mr X, this is everyone!' - such etiquette of new introductions became pudding in my everyday dinner .
Amid all these, I never bothered to know how Anu was. And, perhaps she too didn't think for me.
One thing was sure. If I knew her well, She would loath me more than anything else in the world, in case she would know my all sordid tasks. And, She knew !
The one common mistake everyone does - the mistake of judging the time. I too did.
I was caught in a scam and eventually in many scams . The old files were opened. The same newspaper wrote about me, but this time to ruin me.
In all my magical days, Anu was living in my mansion only - a home for me and a concrete den for her perhaps. She did not utter a word . I did not hear or perhaps I made her silent whenever she tried , during my initial days of gory journey - I don't remember though. To prove that I was building a better world all for her only, I raped Anu all those years .
This frequency of Anu's identification as an object and her rape increased seamlessly once I was caught. It continued. I was lost. I was nothing . I needed her as an object to express my frustration .
I was weak. And, Where else could I get someone weaker than me?
She cried. No one listened.
****
Why was this happening today in this hospital? Why to me? Did I still love her? Maybe .
Perhaps I had nothing in this world to do now. What an irony this was? Despite that I loved her most in my life, I could feel the warmth for her in last.
I had butchered so many people in my life , I had played blood bath many a times before, but today I was feeling dizzy on seeing her blood.
I was not in the position to pray. And, Why would the god listen to me?
But, I did again and again - to the almighty - not to take Anu away from me. I would have never done this for me.
I dreamed . I was hers. She was mine. My body was her chariot, and she drove it into the sun. Her body was my river, and I became the sea. And the wailing moan that drove our lips together, at the end, was the world of hope and sorrow .
Not all prayers are accepted.
‘I love you, Anu, I whisphered I’ve loved you for as long as there’s been love in the world. I love
your voice. I love your face. I love your hands. I love everything you do, and I love the way you do everything. I just love you. I just love you with all my heart."
She was going. I could not read her face. I wish I could even if it had hatred for me.
I did not say: Please don't go. You are my life.
I did not say: Though I did wrong, I tried doing everything just for you
I did not say: Remember the day when I saw you first time.
I did not say: I am sorry Anu.
I crumbled.
********
Disclaimer : My this love story is based purely on my imagination . So, the story may falter somewhere. Tried putting the words bit differently this time for a change. Hope you liked it.
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